A Cat Called Merlot

Please click on the video above to hear Merlot’s message!

Thursday 6th August 2020

Some of the residents of Victoria Avenue have arranged a summer street party to cheer each other up. It’s due to take place next weekend and will involve tables and chairs being placed on the pavement outside each of the houses, rather than in one long line in the middle of the road, to keep it all COVID-safe. Jeff from number 29 who loves being in charge of things, suggested a system of rotation to music: Families could sanitise the table and chairs and move down the street after each set of ten songs, so that they could socialise with several people during the evening. It would be a sort of socially-distanced-musical-chairs-cum-fun-party. Hector asked, straight-faced, whether people had to finish each other’s food and drink when they changed tables? Jeff just looked at him  quizzically and replied “That wouldn’t be very hygienic, would it?” He added stiffly, “People would just need to pick up their plates and glasses and walk the short distance. It wasn’t rocket science.” Jackie (from number 5), asked if rotation would be “controlled” or else when the music stopped there could be a lot of broken glass, smashed plates and injuries, as people dashed over to sit near people they particularly liked (sub-text – avoided those they didn’t). Jeff just gave her a withering look. Queenie said to Marcus it sounded like speed dating to terrible music and there was bound to be the same feeling of drunken disappointment, at the end of the evening. 

Today, Liam was telling an attractive woman, who had innocently ventured into his antiques emporium, how he’d only “got into the antiques business when he left the Secret Service”. Obviously he couldn’t tell her anything about the time he broke into a submarine to retrieve code, to allow the Government to hack into an enemy database, as he was bound by the Official Secrets Act. Suffice to say he said, lowering his voice, he still had to keep a gun and was on speed-dial to MI5. As the customer started backing out of the shop he enquired, casually, if she would she like to go for a drink with him? 

Last night, Queenie and I had a lovely evening snuggled up together in front of the TV. She said she thought she might come off the dating websites since she’d started the menopause and going forward, life might be simpler if it was just her and me. I rolled onto my back and purred loudly, just to reinforce what a splendid idea that was. She got a pen and paper and did a very quick analysis: 

Menopause – Benefits

• Decreased heating bills

Menopause – Drawbacks

• No longer having to refuse an impromptu date, when walking past a building site

• Weight gain 

• Hot flushes

• Irritated with stupid people (all month rather than just a week a month)

• Loudly outspoken (e.g. in shops or with work colleagues)

• Skin looses elasticity (where you don’t want it to)

• Skin gains elasticity (where you don’t want it to)

• Become invisible (unless being loudly outspoken in shops or with work colleagues) 

So, on balance….