A Cat Called Merlot

Thursday 13th August 2020

This week, Saffron Wright-Smith and her children Oliver & Emilia have been ‘Cup Caking For Charity’. Saffron has been trying out her new recipes. The ingredients include Andean quinoa, transported by orphaned llamas; samphire, hand-harvested by endangered fishermen and watercress, grown in cooperation with a colony of beavers. There was an honesty box on the front porch of their house, which by Wednesday, was full of donations. The cakes however, remained unclaimed. Mystified, Saffron popped two in husband Luke’s lunch box each day for the rest of the week, as a treat. He in turn, donated them to the station staff, on his way to work. 

Maria Bianchi’s aim with the water pistol has improved. I admit I had become a bit complacent but I hadn’t expected the full-on drenching I received, whilst having a toilet stop in her garden. I was sitting very comfortably among the anemones, watching a butterfly, when I heard a scream and she waddled out of the back door and took a wild shot. All I can say is, I had to leave the garden in a very undignified manner! 

Queenie had been reading up about cleaning cats teeth, on the internet. Suddenly on Friday, fish-flavoured toothpaste and a whole range of cat toothbrushes and dental sticks clattered through the letter box. I could have told her not to waste her money and the inference I have bad breath was frankly, upsetting. Over the week, she made several attempts: cajoling, stealth, ambush etc but none of them worked. Finally, irritated at being woken up by another appliance being eased into my mouth, I was forced to sink my teeth into her finger, to demonstrate there was absolutely nothing wrong with them! 

There’s a longstanding boundary dispute going on between the owners of Number 28 Richard & Jo and Number 30, Andrew and his elderly mother Elsie. They’re arguing over a piece of land that is effectively six inches wide. After a few months of calm, it started up again this week, when Richard cut the top off Number 30’s conifer hedge. His point was, that it was blocking their light and they had warned them. In retaliation, Andrew parked his car over Richard and Jo’s driveway. In response, Jo called her son, who’s a mechanic and he came over and towed the car away. I was sitting on the wall of contention when the subsequent row ensued. Andrew came out brandishing a large piece of his lopped conifer, shouting if Richard didn’t get his car back immediately, he would shove the top of the conifer where the sun didn’t shine. Must be somewhere like Norway? 

On Tuesday evening, Queenie was on the sofa tucking into a “Waggon Wheel” and complaining to her friend Michelle, that they seem to have shrunk since she was a child; a bit like “Curly Wurleys”. She wasn’t sure if it was just she’d got taller or if it was some kind of confectionary conspiracy to increase profits. In any event, as she’d just begun a portion controlled diet, they fitted in nicely. She confided in Michelle that she’d never before had inner thighs that met and she was a bit concerned that in this hot weather, with friction as she walked, her legs might just catch fire.