A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 27th August 2020 

On Sunday afternoon, Alfred (Number 16) was discussing Victory over Japan Day, with Liam the antique dealer. He told him how he’d been evacuated from the East End, during the war and was forced to work for long hours, on a farm in Suffolk. He said he used to watch the American bombers flying to and from the airbases and wished he’d been part of the action. Liam casually mentioned he’d served in Iraq. This week his story was that he’d been an intelligence officer working on Operation Red Dawn when Saddam had been found having dinner with friends. Liam told him he’d only been minutes from the house and if it hadn’t been for the Americans muscling in on the action, he could have been the one who shot him whilst he was enjoying a beer and a plate of couscous! Alfred said he thought Hussein had been pulled from a “spider hole” as the result of intelligence, provided by an Iraqi interpreter. Liam thought for a moment before looking over his shoulder and replying, in a confidential tone, that was what the public were told… 

Marcus and his new boyfriend Dan (Head of Fresh Produce) are getting on like a house on fire. Queenie spent the evening with them on Friday. Dan likes cats so he ticks all my boxes. I was invited too, so I popped in on my way over to see Lola, who was out AGAIN.  I blame it on that diamanté collar. To be honest, it seems to be attracting a lot of undesirables. Dan had bought me some lovely prawns, so I settled down on Queenie’s lap and enjoyed listening to the conversation whilst they hand-fed me. Interestingly Marcus’s 1980’s up-lighters have disappeared and been replaced with some rather nice “industrial” table lamps and a new rug. He must be in love. Given Marcus and Dan are such attentive hosts, at the end of the evening, Queenie said she thought in the future, she might like to sit in an armchair like a plump dowager and just be attended by gay men. I may be wrong but I think that’s called an expensive care home?

Brian and Wendy, owners of the stupid dogs, live at Number 27. They have one teenage daughter, Jodie. Being older parents, they dote on their offspring who, I have to say is a little spoilt. Jodie has recently received her “A Level” results and the grades were not what her fee-paying parents had expected. According to Hector at Number 23, had she spent less time smoking by the bins at the back of the local supermarket and more attending lessons, her grades might have been significantly better. However, as far as Brian is concerned, it’s all the Education Secretary’s fault and he’s written directly to him demanding re-re-moderation of the re-moderation exam system,  to make certain Jodie gets “three A stars”, regardless of her teacher’s prediction of three C’s. I sympathise with his disappointment but I know for a fact when her parents were out working, Jodie would sneak home from school and spend most afternoons on the sofa with Josh, an apprentice mechanic. I can only conclude that instead of History, Maths and English A Levels, she might have achieved a better results doing Physical Education and Biology, since she appears to be an expert on  the human body and possibly Chemistry, given the range of recreational substances she’s been taking.