A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 15th October 2020

On Sunday, Queenie was being particularly difficult to communicate with. I really fancied chicken liver flavour dinner but she perused the sachets of food and gave me tuna. I stared at my bowl and back up at her which she ignored, so we entered a sort of sachet stand-off. I’ve come to the conclusion that humans are a bit like vending machines. Sometimes you think your’e getting one thing and they dispense something quite different!

The tabby kitten at “Mr Mistoffel-Teas” cat cafe has grown considerably since the last time I saw it. To be honest, I’ve been avoiding the place lest there’s a repeat of the pointing and waving, that threatened to tarnish my reputation. We might look very similar but that doesn’t mean a thing. I’m not originally from around here and by the time I arrived, I would have been incapable of fatherhood. I therefore firmly rest my case for the defence but there are cats around here that will say, “There’s no fur without fathers!” Nonetheless, I do feel sorry for the poor young chap stuck in there, having to perform on his cat tree all day. It must be very tiring. On Wednesday, I couldn’t help glancing in through the door when passing and I spotted Mike Jones wearing a stylish skirt and blouse having a coffee with Yaz and Yvonne from Number 22. The tabby teenager was on Yvonne’s lap and the three of them were giving him an obscene amount of fuss. I couldn’t help feeling an irrational sense of jealousy. Tail and nose in the air, I trotted off to see Liam, who had just taken delivery of half a dozen “Neo-ancient” Chinese vases from Taiwan. I found him at the back of his shop rubbing shoe polish into man-made scratches in the vases, to age them. With a grin, he swore me to secrecy and with a light tap on my nose he said, “In these troubled times, Merlot, a man has to make a living, any way he can. Let’s face it, the punter thinks they have a little piece of history and I’m quid’s in. Everybody wins!” Did they? Mulling this over and feeling very uneasy, I went home and suddenly felt the need to have a thoroughly good wash. 

I was strolling past Hector and Martha’s house on Tuesday and Kiki the re-homed parrot was screeching, “I want a divorce and I’m taking the BMW!” at the top of her voice. I believe Hector is trying to distract her from her existing vocabulary and particularly her grasp of profanity by repeating over and over “I love Antigua”. It doesn’t seem to be working….  

I hear there is the threat of another toilet roll shortage due to people stockpiling because of the threat of another COVID lockdown. All I can say is if humans were more supple they wouldn’t need it!