A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 5th November 2020

Halloween proved to be exciting for all the wrong reasons. Jeff from Number 29 organised a few festivities for the children but due to COVID, Trick or Treat had to be modified, this year as children weren’t allowed to knock on doors. However, householders in The Avenue were  encouraged to dress up as witches and wizards and to carve out pumpkins and light them up, in their driveways. Sanitised sweets were handed out at the end of the road by a witch dressed in Personal Protective Equipment. Builder Gary, went extreme and decided to dress as a ghoul and run round his front garden, revving his chainsaw as Halloween was “all about scaring kids”. It worked, as Oliver and Emilia from Number 36 have suffered nightmares ever since. Mrs Waters from Number 21 appeared in her doorway in a purple Basque, fishnet stockings, long black wig and Devil horns. She appeared to be doing some kind of simulated pole-dance on the doorframe to the sound of “Come on Baby Light My Fire”. Saffron had to drag Luke away, arguing it was definitely NOT “Quite artistic, really!” and Matt from Number 20 told Liam from Number 33, with a grin, he wouldn’t  mind popping into her house for a treat. Queenie on the other hand, playing it low-key, told Marcus from Number 18 she’d taken a look in the mirror and decided to stay in, lest she was abducted and recruited to a coven.

What’s in a name? This week in politics, Prime Minister, Boris de Pfeffel Johnson finally appeared and announced a further national lockdown on Saturday and caused a ker-pfeffel, while Sir Keir Rodney Starmer allegedly wanted to know if he could continue to sell second-hand Labour party memberships on his  stall in Peckham… Maybe that was just fake news?

Queenie had her friend Michelle round for dinner on Wednesday, pre-lockdown. They tend to laugh hysterically at everything once they’ve had wine and I don’t understand why? For instance, Queenie regaled Michelle with the story of her returning a dress she’d bought from a local shop:

Queenie to young male assistant: “Hi I need to return this as it’s the wrong size. Do you have it in X?”

Young Assistant – Staring at his mobile phone.

Queenie bobbing from side to side waving, trying to attract attention: “Hello?”

Young Assistant glances at up at her and sighs.

Queenie, with a broad (no doubt dangerous) smile: “Did you hear me?”

Young Assistant: “Yeah.”

Queenie (brightly):  “Great! Well?”

Young Assistant: “Well what?”

Queenie leans forward and peers at his name badge: “Okay Darren! Are you a student?” (feigning interest)

Young Assistant yawns: “Yeah”

Queenie: “Studying, let me guess…Communication?”

Young Assistant: “Nope. Geography.”

Queenie: “Lovely! In that case, you should be able to draw on your skills and direct me to the Store Manager!”

Uncontrolled laughter and the sound of more wine being poured…

Today is firework night so I’m going to make sure I’m home before it gets dark and take refuge on Queenie’s lap. I wish humans understood how much how fireworks frighten animals but at least, with lockdown, there won’t be huge, organised displays that make it feel as though the Town is under attack. Hoorah for Mr Piffle! I mean de Pfeffel…