A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 7th January 2021

New Year’s Eve in the Avenue was an unusually quiet affair. Jeff the self-proclaimed residents’ events organiser from Number 29 was rendered redundant and in any case, he was still reeling from the failure of the carol concert at the Last Gasp Residential Home. Carol told Wendy he was moping around the house in slippers and long cardigan with a floppy fringe and round glasses writing monologues about middle aged women living in isolation. All that was missing, she said, was a Leeds accent and a homeless woman living in a battered van on their driveway and he would actually turn into Alan Bennett. 

Queenie received a phone call at midday on New Year’s Eve to say her mother, Lydia had been repatriated from Czechoslovakia. She called her from Dover in high spirits and a little the worse for wear as the barman on the ferry had taken pity on her and plied her with double vodkas. Apparently, she’d had a ‘lovely break’ but Suki, her betrothed wasn’t answering her mobile and she wasn’t sure where the camper van was parked. Finally, Queenie phoned her brother who agreed, through gritted teeth, to drive down and pick her up, before she ended up in more trouble. 

On Tuesday, Chantel from Number 20 gave birth to a baby boy, to be named after the footballer, Marcus Rashford. That sounded a bit of a mouthful to me, so perhaps they will just call him Rash or Ford for short?  She went into labour on Tuesday morning and within an hour, out he popped, without much warning, onto the bedroom carpet. I expected there to be at least six babies but disappointingly, there was only one, which must be considered a pretty poor litter by any standard. Perhaps that was just as well as Matt, the father, promptly fainted and by the time Chantel had managed to call an ambulance and bring Matt round, ‘Marcus Rashford’ was testing his lungs to full capacity. Martha from Number 23 donned a mask and came and cut the cord, helped Matt into bed and sat with Chantel and the baby, until a midwife arrived. 

Marjorie has been spending a bit more time with Judith, while she recovers from COVID. She told me she’s getting a little bit bored, as even the most patient cat can get fed up with back to back episodes of Vera and second hand two thousand piece jigsaws of thatched cottages, that end up right at the end, to have pieces missing. Marjorie wanted to know if I thought the virus, besides causing breathing difficulties, caused humans to endlessly crochet drink mats? Was that, she asked what they meant by ‘Long COVID’, as it was beginning to feel interminable? I said I didn’t think so but would Google it and check the symptoms, when Queenie was out. 

On New Year’s Day, we finally left the EU. On the plus side we have a bit more fish. I just hope it’s tuna…