A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday January 21st 2021

Andrea Delacroix, Decaf Prize Winner for her debut novel ‘Just Sweeping Dust’ moved into Number 4, The Avenue, this week. She isn’t at all what I envisaged. Sporting long, grey curly hair and wearing battered Doc Martins and “comfy” trousers, she moved in, not with cats or a dog, but a large reptile called Rodney. Marjorie and I pressed our noses to the living room window eager to catch a glimpse of ‘Rodney’ and finally, after about an hour of deliveries of rather unusual furniture and ornaments, we were rewarded. Under Andrea’s supervision, her posh voice booming from behind her mask, the removal men carefully brought in a huge fish tank and gently put it on a stand. Inside was a large, frightening creature, about half a metre long from its crested head to the tip of its long tail. When it opened its mouth, you could see a very pink tongue and, as it blinked, large lash-less eyelids rose slowly up and down like shutters. “Let’s get away from here,” I said in a low voice to Marjorie, “In case he gets out!” With that, we both made a dive for cover under the nearest shrub, to compose ourselves. 

Out of curiosity, lots of people in The Avenue purchased a copy of ‘Just Sweeping Dust’. Jeff had already read it when it came out in the nineties and heralded it “an absolute masterpiece of literature”. Queenie, on the other hand, ran a bath and got as far as chapter four before she gave up. Marcus Briggs said he thought it had an interesting, if minimalist cover (a yard broom on a red background) and Dan, his boyfriend, said he struggled with the title as you can’t effectively sweep dust. To prove his point, he said he’d tried it once or twice when boxes of fresh produce were delivered to the supermarket and all you create is a cloud so you do really need either a wet cloth or sponge and a bucket. Queenie said it was a ‘metaphor’. Marjorie thought that was a four wheel drive car, so we’re really none the wiser. 

Lots of photographs of new arrival Marcus Rashford Beckham Maradona Smith, have been shared on social media, as friends and neighbours have been unable to visit the newborn son of Chantal and Matt at Number 20. All I can say is, you don’t need to see him to be able to hear him and on that basis, it’s better the litter was only one! Matt is apparently thrilled with his new son but frustrated he can’t go and wet his head with his pals at The Legless Goat, pub. Chantel told him he’d have to re-think endless sessions of drinking after lockdown and start working a bit harder to support his family. Matt replied that as baby Marcus Rashford is going to be entitled to free school meals the financial pressure was off him a bit, especially as he was tired with being woken up every time Chantal did a night feed. Chantal replied with what could have been mistaken for sleep-deprived-borderline-aggression – “Man up and *** grow a pear!” I’m not sure how fruit growing would improve manhood. In any case, I really don’t understand this human tradition of father hanging around after they get the woman pregnant. It clearly doesn’t work. As Toms, we’ve done our bit for the continuity of the species and it’s accepted we keep out of the way and not irritate mothers during what is clearly, a very busy and emotional time.