A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 25th February 2021

This week, I’ve been contemplating a new venture – an “Eco Catch Co-operative”. Given most domestic cats really only go out and hunt for a bit of exercise or amewsment these days, rather than for food, I thought we could set up a local agreement to share catches. It would work quite simply: If one of the Co-operative cats managed to catch a mouse, for instance, they’d take it to their doorstep as a present for their human housekeeper. The housekeeper says, “Thank you, that’s nice, you are an amazing, thoughtful cat! I always dreamed of having a dead mouse. You will have a special treat!” (Or maybe even a loud scream of joy) and goes to get something to pick the mouse up with. Whilst they’re gone, the cat takes it and drops it off to another cat in the co-operative, who does the same and so forth. I think this would also work very well, where cats are kept purely to catch mice and just aren’t very good at it. I’ve thought of the marketing aspect too. I got the idea from the NHS advert where the man is blowing his nose and I’ve tweaked it: “Catch it, Kill it, Share it!”

Rodney, the iguana who recently moved into Number 4 of The Avenue went on a trip this week. Dan, from Number 18 who is Head of Fresh Produce at the local supermarket, heard a commotion and found him chomping his way through the salad section, having crawled into Andrea Delacrox’s cavernous handbag and escaped through the bars of her trolley. A reporter from the local paper, which is clearly starved of news, sped down and took photos and Rodney’s made the front page with the headline “Rodney On Radish Rampage!” Queenie said that was taking artistic license to the extreme. 

Since the beginning of another lock down, the people Queenie talks to on Zoom are, once again, becoming quite unrecognisable. Over the weeks, they’ve all developed pale, puffy complexions and bloodshot eyes. Also, the current fashion seems to be to grow hair out of shape and have several centimetres of grey root showing at the top. All in all, not very flattering. Queenie, who’s also jumped on this fashion bandwagon,  said she could’t stand it any longer and took herself off for an “essential” trip to the local pharmacy for some hair dye, a bucket of vitamin D, slimming drinks and Milk Thistle. This she proclaimed, was ‘A New Dawn’ as she tried to calculate how many wine “sins” she could have in a day. It turned out, she could have three glasses of wine… but no food. Subsequently, the ‘New Dawn’ seems to have been kicked into the long grass. She was however sitting in the kitchen on Sunday, with some gunk in her hair called “Blonde Sensation” and a plastic bag on her head. I trust this won’t be her new profile picture…