A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 4th March 2021

On Monday, I got into a bit of an altercation with a dog in a handbag, at the bus stop at the end of The Avenue. Walking past on a nearby wall, on my way to meet Marjorie and minding my own business, I heard a voice shouting from inside a bag, “Oy cat, come over here!”

The owner of the bag was on her phone and had her back to it.

Jumping to the ground I looked cautiously into the bag. Inside was a tiny dog wearing a big collar encrusted with diamonds and laying on a red, velvet cushion.

I don’t take to being called in that manner, by anyone, “What do you want?”

“Go and fetch my ball. It’s by that white car. I dropped it.”

“Why can’t you get it yourself?” I said, annoyed at her attitude.

The dog yawned, “I’m tired. I’ve had my walk and a chew. Now I want to sleep.” 

“Cats don’t fetch things. It’s generally against our natures. You want it, get up and get it!”

“But I’m a decorative-dog!” It snapped.

“And I’m a couldn’t-care-less-cat!” I said, walking off. Honestly… 

Jeff from Number 29 e mailed the residents of The Avenue this week to propose a midsummer street party on Monday 21st June to celebrate the end of Covid lockdown. The theme would be a mask-less ball and hugging everyone would be compulsory. Queenie and Marcus Briggs from Number 18 both agreed it sounded “hideous” and since human physical contact has become passé, they were sure the BBC would be advertising a Hugging Helpline at the end of every programme or maybe the Government will provide a leaflet depicting ‘Instructions for Hugging ’ along the lines of: 

1. Two people stand facing each other without a mask.
2. Both people open arms widely to signify ‘intent’ and take a step towards each other (without colliding)
3. One person wraps their arms round the other person and rests their head on the other person’s shoulder (no neck nibbling or kissing unless expressly asked to do so).
4. The other person reciprocates by wrapping their arms around the other (avoiding overlapping of arms) and rests their head on the other person’s shoulder (not the same one, obvs)
5. Both parties squeeze their arms together (gently) and sway from one foot to another (slightly). 
6. If you wish, you may pat the other person on the back (gently and NEVER the buttocks or that could result in litigation).
7. Both parties unlock, after approximately five-seconds, take a step back and ask “How was that for you and would you like a wet wipe?”
8. If in any doubt about 1-7 above, just continue to bump elbows.

More information available on www.gov.uk/hugging/protocol/get-it-right-or-get-a-slap.co.uk

It’s at times like these, I’m very glad to be a cat…Let’s hope there is intelligent life on Mars!