A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 18th March

Queenie’s mother Lydia phoned on Sunday. She said she was off to yoga as she didn’t want the problem’s her mother had. For years she thought the ‘Pelvic Floor’ was the one above ‘Menswear’. Queenie said she was impressed Lydia was doing something healthy. Lydia said she had no alternative as she’d been all but forced off the road as the police kept stopping her and trying to fine her. They just wouldn’t have it that she was off for a three hundred mile drive, for a tenth COVID vaccination. To fill the time, she said she’d got a TV rigged up in the van and was watching some reality dating programmes and wondered what the point was of televising faces that don’t move enough to distinguish which one is hysterical about being dumped? She said reality TV seemed to be on a par with a blind date she once had where the man tucked into the bowl of vegetarian crisps on the bar, before having it pointed out to him he was in fact, eating pot pourrie. 

I’m home alone now that Queenie’s going into the office a little more often. She’s coming back stressed too. On Thursday, she said if only I could do a neck massage and open a bottle  she’d happily give up looking for a partner! I  could have a go at ‘treading’ I suppose but balancing on her shoulders and kneading at the same time would require quite a lot of effort which is an alien concept to a cat. However, looking at the length of my claws, I think I’d be quite gifted at acupuncture. I’ve seen it on daytime TV so it can’t be that hard. Instead, I sat next to her all evening and allowed her to stroke me to ease her tension. She said at one point that anyone who hasn’t taken the time to get to know a cat is missing out ‘big time’. I can only agree but I’ve yet to master a screw top bottle or corkscrew. 

On Friday, I spotted the opportunist ginger cat from a few doors down, creeping up to my cat flap so I flew out into the garden and gave him some quite effective acupuncture as he scampered back home at a pretty healthy sprint.

On Saturday morning, Queenie was chatted up by a parcel delivery man. Well, I say ‘chatted up’, he was shouting compliments from a socially safe distance. She told her friend Michelle later that there was possibly a gap in the market for combining parcel deliveries with some sort of dating service. I just saw other possible candidates for acupuncture!