A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 15th April 2021

On Monday, the world opened up further again on what Jeff’s wife Carol nicknamed ‘Shopping For Sanity Day’. Wendy said there seemed to be a “Day” for everything now and it was all getting a bit tedious. Next, she said, there’d be a “Day” for celebrating getting out of bed in the morning! As soon as the shops were open they both hit Primark for the first time in nearly six months with the idea of buying temporary outfits until they could fit into their normal clothes. Wendy said she really didn’t mind wearing a mask but she never would be able to get used to the panic-stricken Michael Flatley dance routine people did when they met each other head on in the aisles. In the afternoon they went to the gym. Carol left early saying she just couldn’t stay on the running machine for long, dressed in the requisite COVID decontamination suit and respirator. She said, it seemed like over-kill and it reminded her of the unpleasant sensation she felt when, in the 1970’s she’d covered herself in cling-film, while exercising, in an attempt to lose weight. Wendy said the protective equipment might just be a ploy to stop people hogging the cross trainer.

Maria Bianchi took her driving test for the countless time on Tuesday. Gary from Number 11 said she must be on first name terms with the Assessors by now. He let it be known he would definitely be staying off the road on that day. Laura, his wife said he should stop being so sexist. In defence he said it was nothing to do with women drivers, it was more about damage limitation. In any event, the test was short-lived, as when Maria was asked to “move off from behind a parked vehicle” she promptly got out and demanded the driver of the car in front pulled forward several meters, to give her more room. When she was told she wasn’t following the instruction, she said the UK driving test system just didn’t allow for initiative! The writing was on the wall however when the Assessor had to take a taxi back to the test centre, when she staged a sit-in and refused to vacate the driver’s seat, having chalked up yet another ‘Fail’. 

On Easter Sunday, Queenie and I watched The Sound of Music, on the sofa together. Normally, she’d have broken out in a rash at the sight of all those children but since she’d been corresponding with Derek ( Solicitor and father of four) on her dating App, she seemed to be channeling an hitherto unexposed, inner Maria Von Trapp. I half expected her to arrive in the living room wearing a nun’s outfit with a guitar slung over her shoulder but I’m happy to report the virtual romance with Derek was short-lived, as on Thursday, his profile mysteriously disappeared. I have a sneaking suspicion a not-so-virtual Baroness Von Trapp might have caught him out and cut off his lederhosen!