A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 28th April 2021

By Saturday afternoon, Queenie was getting increasingly exasperated with the number of cold calls she was getting. On the fourth time, she decided to answer and was greeted with a young man wanting to talk to her about her recent accident. The only one I could think of was when she fell over the hoover while dancing to Duran Duran but I don’t think she sustained any lasting damage except perhaps, to her dignity. Anyhow, she feigned a strange accent and told the man that she would be “very interested” in speaking to him about her recent accident and his company’s offer of a “no win, no fee” arrangement to represent her in her claim for compensation. She asked him if he would mind holding for a few minutes while she fitted her “sachetto prosthesis” as, since her accident, she “struggled to hold or carry anything without it”. Sounding positively excited at the potential scale of her injury, he replied, “Of course” and told her to please take her time. Grabbing her shopping bag (‘sachetto’ means shopping bag in Italian, apparently) and keys, she gave me a quick kiss on the head and exited the house, leaving the man on the phone hanging on for rather a long time. 

On Sunday morning, I saw a pregnant woman in a cat “onesie” and slippers, making her way down the road to buy milk. I don’t think you get a discount for being a cat, even if you are heavily pregnant. It’s a bit like me wearing a mouse or poodle outfit, which is I gather, quite normal for cats in places like Japan but in photos, I have to say, they always look rather miffed at being dressed up. The onesie incident led me to think that humans have been locked away for too long or maybe they should never have been let out at all…

Gideon Longfellow has a new girlfriend. He met her at the food bank in town. Her name is Molly and she’s pretty with lots of interesting tattoos and body piercings. Gideon told Queenie she loves cats and when she saw me outside, she came over and told me how lovely I was. I liked her instantly and the encounter left me wondering if I should get my ear pierced but then I seem to achieve that during every fight I’ve ever had. Anyhow, she and Gideon seem to be spending a lot of time sitting on park benches, sucking each other’s lips. Stealing breath as part of a mating ritual is peculiar to humans. I don’t think animals have the equivalent and it’s always struck me as a little strange. What’s wrong with a good old fashioned groom and a lick behind the ear to demonstrate affection?

Judging by the news, the world is obsessed about cutting energy. All I can say is “Be more cat!”