A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 8th July 2021

According to the local newspaper, Barry and Christine from Number 34 had a busy weekend. After a nice lunch at the yacht club, they went out in their inflatable dingy called ‘Meringue’ and the engine conked out about two miles off-shore. Hours later they drifted into French waters and it took some convincing that they weren’t asylum seekers, looking to escape Brexit. Barry was quite shaken but Christine, topped up from her designer handbag that was filled with vodka miniatures for such an emergency, was more upset that she wasn’t allowed to visit Duty Free on the way back. 

Gideon Longfellow has a new job, working at one of the local hotels with his girlfriend, Molly. As things are going really well between them, she’s asked him to move into her flat, which means he no longer needs the Pod. The residents of The Avenue unanimously agreed it should be passed onto the young, homeless busker who plays her guitar on the pavement outside the shopping centre. Her name is Kes and she’s from a place called Liverpool. I watch her sometimes rolling tobacco into neat cigarettes, with one hand, before licking the paper with little flicks of her tongue, like a lizard. She has a bolt through her lip and one through her eyebrow. I don’t quite understand what these do and wondered if perhaps her eyebrow was falling off her forehead and her lips needed support. I discussed it with Marjorie and she said she heard a play on the radio where someone was referred to as “Loose-lipped” and on that basis, I was probably right. 

On Friday evening, Queenie her friend Michelle over for ‘cock tails’. As I’m partial to the rear end of a nice plump bird, I invited myself to join the evening. They were discussing what would make a good ‘cock tail’ and what they’d call it, for example a Marlyn Monroe which would consist of  sweet vermouth, gin, sugar, lemon juice and a large strawberry, served on ice. It would be intoxicating enough to make you feel a million dollars when you look in the mirror and disinhibited if your dress blew up in the wind to reveal big pants. I finally realised they were talking about drinks and I thought I might as well get into the swing of it and decided my favourite would be tuna can water with dash of chicken stock, a fizzy mixer, a large sprig of nip and a goldfish on a stick.  I’d call it “Cat-a-tonic”.