A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 16th September 2021

This week has been a little uncomfortable. A young, black fem fatale has developed what could only be described as a cat-crush on me. She appeared about three days ago and began following me around, presenting herself to me in a very flirty way and incessantly calling for me, even at four o’clock in the morning which had Queenie up making tea as it was impossible to sleep with all the yowling. To be frank, I’m quite bewildered by it all and can barely dare to go outside lest she begins again. On Monday, she was dancing around me on the patio, doing everything to get my attention while I looked the other way and pretended not to notice. She didn’t get the message and I was quite relieved when Queenie called me indoors saying that watching the pair of us reminded her of a 1980’s school disco. In the end, she called the local lady who finds lost cats, in an attempt to find her owner as the cat in question was ‘clearly in season’. I went for a rest, not wanting to be party to any of the detail. I just hoped it would stop very soon as all the uninvited attention was exhausting and felt tantamount to stalking. 

Queenie was commenting to Marcus from Number 18 that, since Covid, the country is being dictated to by tagline for example – See it, Say it, Sorted / Safer Greener Cleaner. She said she found herself saying loudly, ‘Catch it, Bin it, Kill it’ when someone sneezed in her face, without a mask or using a tissue. Ordinarily her vocal tag line would have been far less benign but it just fell out of her mouth like it had been waiting patiently in her brain for an opportunity to use it. Given that this type of advertising appears to be so effective, I’ve come up with one – ‘Cat, Pamper, Treat’. I’m just hoping it lodges in her brain in the same way. 

Devora Gloriana from the Last Gasp Residential Home was 100 on Sunday. I was invited as guest of honour to her party and she insisted I sat on her lap, and accept all manner of tasty offerings. When the local paper journalist asked what advice about life she would give to people today. She thought for a moment and with a theatrical sigh, looked into the distance and said, “As I told Clementine Churchill, ‘Clem darling, tell Winston to give Adolf a call as there’s very little that can’t be resolved over a dry sherry…’” A little taken aback the reporter asked if she had any other (printable) advice, to which she responded, “Well…When President Kennedy got murdered, I gave Jackie a call and said, ‘Jackie, It’s a terrible tragedy but life is short. Take my advice and find yourself a nice rich man with a boat!’”