A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 29th September 2021

On Sunday I popped in to see Devora Gloriana at the Last Gasp Residential Home. I didn’t jump up on her lap as I didn’t want to risk setting off her personal alarm and be the cause of starting a third world war. She patted the stool next to her and I clambered onto that and received a bony-handed head rub. While I was there, one of the carers brought round some small tubs of ice cream for the residents and I was presented with a lid to lick. This reminded Devora about the premier of her first film and how Sir Laurence Oliver “Larry” ended up selling ice creams during the interval as the intermission girl hadn’t shown up for work. Looking into the distance she said, with a chuckle, that she was once offered the part of ‘Maggie’ in a film called ‘Cat On A Hot Tin Roof’. It was at a time when all the Hollywood directors were knocking at her door so she told them to give the part to an actress called Elizabeth Taylor. Who, more importantly, I wondered, played the Cat? 

This week there has been a petrol shortage across the country due to there being no tanker drivers so on Monday, as I couldn’t find Marjorie, I wandered into Town and sat on the wall of the garage to watch the growing queue of cars and listen to a conversation between two drivers:

  Driver 1- (Striding over to the car in front and looking at the amount registered on the fuel pump) “Excuse me, have you really just put two pounds worth of fuel in your car?”

  Driver 2 (Elderly Gentleman) – “Of course, there’s a shortage. I heard it on the news.”

  Driver 1 – “Look, I’ve been queuing for over an hour. I’m a paramedic. I need to be able to get to work. Surely that wasn’t a necessary journey?”

  Driver 2 – “Well, you never know! I might have to go out. This could go on for months.”

  Driver 1 – “It won’t go on for months if people stop panic buying and in any case, you’ve obviously got nearly a full tank!”

  Driver 2 – “I’m not in a panic. I’m quite calm. Better safe than sorry but I don’t drive much since I retired. Look, could you reverse a few feet and ask the woman behind you to do the same? I might as well make an afternoon of it and do my tyre pressure and water while I’m here and I’ve got a nice egg & cress sandwich to eat and the crossword to finish.”

  Driver 1 – “Would you like me to pop the kettle on?” Shakes head and returns to his vehicle.

On Friday, as I walked past Alexa, she sprang into life and asked if I’d like the name of a local garage. Pointless, I thought…