A CAT CALLED MERLOT

Thursday 7th October 2021

It’s now several weeks since Mrs Waters, Number 21 awarded the contract to build her extension to a tall, handsome chap called Leroy. His van is parked outside every day. On the side it says “Leroy Your Friendly Local Builder. Customer Satisfaction Guaranteed!” So far, there is no sign that a brick has been laid. Marcus Briggs from Number 18 said despite this, from what he could gather, Leroy was particularly friendly and Mrs Waters appeared very satisfied. 

Wendy from Number 27 had a video consultation with her GP on Tuesday. I sat on the window ledge outside and watched as she stood in front of the lap top and attempted to show the Doctor her navel, which had become badly inflamed.

  Doctor – Can you take the lap top nearer to a window and pull your trousers down a bit further so I can take a look in a better light?”

She did what he asked holding the lap top with one hand and pulling her t shirt up with the other. 

  Doctor – Ah….Sorry but could you stop the screen wobbling?

Keen to oblige, she balanced the lap top on the back of the chair just in front of the large sash window in the living room.

  Wendy – Is that better?

  Doctor – No that’s no good, you’re too low, now.

  Wendy –  I could visit the surgery?

  Doctor –  (Quickly) No, that won’t be necessary! 

Wendy stood on a nearby footstool, jeans pulled down around her knees and top pulled up around her neck, sticking out her stomach towards the lap top screen.

   Doctor – Ok, I think I can make it out… Oh, it’s gone dark again?

   Wendy – That’s because the window cleaner is now standing right outside with the cat from Number 25!

Tic Tac Teddy and Queenie’s mother, Lydia’s wedding took place on Saturday. I wasn’t invited but Queenie described it in vivid detail to Marcus Briggs over coffee at our flat on Monday. Apparently, the guests arrived in a blaze of coloured silk and jodhpurs while the bride and groom were led in on two expensive racehorses. The ceremony took place in a marquee, before a lavish meal and speeches that went on for over an hour and a half. Tic Tac’s best man, his son Darren, who was by then drunk, regaled the guests about his father’s murky past and two years spent in prison for race fixing. All the while, Tic Tac Teddy sucked on a large cigar, looking very chuffed with himself while Queenie sunk further down in her chair, willing the whole thing to be over. After the meal, Lydia and Tic Tac took to the floor to ‘dance’ to the 1972 song, Crazy Horses by The Osmonds, in some kind of hideous equestrian mime, before dragging their friends and family onto the dance floor to add to the humiliation. Halfway through the evening, Lydia strode over to Queenie, with a very short man in a gold and black top that made him look like a small bee and demanded she danced with him, shouting above the music, “This is Clive. Don’t be put off by his height, he’s got a big personality!”